The Quarian-Princess Bride
by thebluninja
Summary: Mordin: Inconceivable! The Illusive Man: Who said life is fair? Where is that written? Shepard: Collectors of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist. Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. PREPARE TO DIE! Legion: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together in consensus today. Yes, the Princess Bride, done with Mass Effect characters! Read it now!
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note: So, I was watching the Princess Bride the other day over my lunch break, and my brain decided to proceed very quickly and give me images of __every single character__ replaced by Mass Effect characters. When I shared this idea with the lovely folks of the Aria's Afterlife forum here on , they all proceeded to threaten me with bodily harm if I did not continue and write out the whole thing. So I started, anyway - one solid hour of writing barely got me through fifteen minutes of film. Another six hours or so should see me done with this project, so stay tuned. And before anyone asks in the reviews, no, I'm __**not**__ doing a __Rocky Horror Picture Show__ with ME characters, I'll leave that up to people who have that memorized like I have memorized __Princess Bride__ and __Clue__._

**_15 Mar 2013_**_: I am updating chapters to try and fix my many spelling and grammar mistakes._

* * *

Coughing and the sounds of a video game fill the room. Camera pans around, focusing first on the omni-tool generated hologram to the face of a young boy sitting in bed, obviously ill. His mother enters the room.

Miranda: Hi honey.

Catalyst: Hi mom.

Miranda: Feeling any better?

She runs an omni-tool above his head, reading his temperature and other vital signs.

Catalyst: A little bit.

Miranda: Guess what? Your grandfather's here.

Catalyst: Aw, mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?

Miranda: You're sick, that's why he's here.

Catalyst: But mom, he's going to pinch my cheek. I _hate_ that.

Miranda: Maybe he won't.

The Illusive Man opens the door dressed in a suit and hat.

TIM: Hey, how is the sick kid?

He walks over and pinches the child's cheek. The child gives his mother an "I told you so" look.

Miranda: I'll leave you two alone for a bit.

She gets up and leaves the room, as the grandfather moves a chair over next to the bed.

TIM: I brought you a special present.

Catalyst: What is it?

TIM: Open it up!

The child takes the offered package, tearing open the wrapping paper to reveal a standard looking tablet. He then looks up unbelievingly at his grandfather.

Catalyst: A book?

TIM: That's right. When I was your age, holo-vision was called books. And this is a special book. It's the book Hackett used to read to me when I was sick and I used to read it to Kaidan! And today I'm going to read it to you.

Catalyst: Does it have anything exciting in it?

TIM: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, mad science, revenge, geth, krogan, chases, escapes, true love, miracles!

Catalyst: I suppose that sounds satisfactory. I'll try to stay awake.

TIM: Oh, thank you very much, that's very kind of you.

He sits down, turning on the tablet and loading the book.

TIM: Alright. The Quarian-Princess Bride, by Bioware, chapter one.

Camera cut to a rural farm in the highlands of Rannoch.

TIM, narrating: Tali'Zorah was raised on a small farm in the country of Rannoch. Her favorite pastimes were riding her armature and tormenting the farm boy who worked there, who was named Shepard. Isn't that a wonderful beginning?

Catalyst: Yeah … sure.

TIM: Nothing gave Tali as much pleasure as ordering Shepard around.

Tali: Farm boy, polish my armature. I want to see my helmet shining in it by morning.

Shepard: As you wish.

He takes an omni-tool from her and moves towards a horse-sized geth armature.

TIM: "As you wish" was all he ever said.

Camera cut to Shepard using an assault rifle to shred logs into fireplace-sized chunks. Tali approaches with two empty buckets.

Tali: Farm boy, fill these with water. … Please?

Shep: As you wish.

TIM: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you." And what was more amazing was the day she realized she truly loved him back.

Camera cut to interior of a farm house, with Tali programming a kitchen unit with her omni-tool.

Tali: Farm boy.

He pauses, about to exit the house.

Tali: Hand me that paste synthesizer?

Shep: As you wish.

He reaches up and takes it off the rack with a smile, which she might return. It's kind of hard to see inside the environmental suit. Camera cut to outside at sunset, Tali and Shepard in each other's arms as he slowly brings his lips up to her face mask.

Catalyst: Hold it, hold it.

Camera cut back to the bedroom, with the child glaring at his grandfather.

Catalyst: Are you trying to trick me? Where's the death? Is this a kissing book?

TIM: Wait, just wait.

Catalyst: When does it get good?

TIM: Keep your holographic emitters on, and let me read. Shepard had no money for marriage, so he packed his armor and weapons and left the farm to seek his fortune in the Traverse. It was a very emotional time for Tali'Zorah.

Catalyst: I don't believe this.

Camera cut back to the farm house, where Tali is clinging to Shepard

Tali: I fear I'll never see you again.

Shep: Of course you will.

Tali: But what if something happens to you?

Shep: Hear this now. I will always come for you.

Tali: But how can you be sure?

Shep: This is true love. Death cannot stop true love. All it needs is two billion credits.

They smile at each other before Shepard puts more kisses all over Tali's face mask and finally departs.

TIM: Shepard didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the Dread Spectre Arterius, who never left captives alive. When Tali got the news that Shepard was murdered by Spectres –

Catalyst: Murdered by Spectres is acceptable.

TIM: She went into her room and shut the door. For days she neither slept nor ate, and suffered a really nasty bacterial infection.

Tali: I will never love again.

Camera cut to a bridge over a village, where pyjaks are being corralled into the village. Cut to interior of the village, with numerous human, asari, and quarian children playing tag.

TIM: Five years later, the main square of Rannoch was filled as never before, as the people anxiously awaited the announcement of Prince Zaeed's bride to be.

Camera cut to the crowd, with rows of geth raising synthesizers to perform a trumpet call. Cut to balcony, where Prince Zaeed stands, flanked by Count Vakarian, King Javik, and Queen Liara.

Zaeed: Look at all these goddamn commoners. Anyway, a month from now is the hundredth anniversary of the goddamn resettlement of Rannoch. At sundown, I'm gonna marry an awesome broad who was once a mangy suit rat like the rest of you. Anyone wanna goddamn meet her?

Geth in the crowd conspicuously unfold assault rifles.

Crowd: Yes!

Zaeed: She's right behind you. The Princess … Tali'Zorah!

Geth perform another fanfare as Tali, wearing a high-quality environmental suit, walks out into the crowd, which bows down to her.

TIM: Tali's emptiness consumed her. The law of the land gave Zaeed the right to marry her, but she did not love him. Neither did anyone else, because he was a goddamn mercenary. Despite Zaeed's reassurance that she would be well compensated, the only joy she took was in her daily ride.

Camera cut to a forest, where Tali is riding her horse-sized armature.

Mordin: Pardon, we need a moment.

Camera pan to three people standing, in order: Mordin, Thane, Wrex.

Mordin: We are suffering from navigation malfunction. Require directions to nearest maintenance facility.

Tali: There is nothing around here, you bosh'tet, not for kilometers.

Mordin: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.

Wrex raises a fist and biotically pulls her off the armature. Tali faints as she lands on the ground. Camera cut to a small ship on the coast, as Mordin is tearing off a piece of cloth and attaching it to Tali's armature.

Thane: What is that you're ripping?

Mordin: It's uniform fabric from Eclipse. Also used heat sinks and yellow paint markings.

Wrex: Eclipse? Those pussies?

Mordin: Have attempted hostile takeover of quarian holdings before. With geth friendly, closest to ancestral enemies. Return to base.

He activates his omni-tool and the armature starts off.

Mordin: Armature returns, evidence points obviously to Eclipse. When Zaeed finds her corpse in former Eclipse base, suspicions confirmed. Blame shifted.

Wrex: I'm not getting paid enough for killing.

Mordin: Were hired to help start war. Prestigious work, glorious tradition. Also, enmity of STG if you quit now. Suck it up.

Wrex: I still think I need more money.

Mordin: Must be hallucinating – heard the word "think" from a krogan. Did not hire you for feeble brain, hired you for muscle and biotic ability.

Thane: I agree with Wrex. Kalahira frowns on senseless death.

Mordin: Be silent and return to your constant memories. Her fate out of your hands. Also remember: When recruited, were drifting aimlessly in rundown bar on Ilium. And you, friendless, contractless, good example of failure of old krogan society. Would prefer to return to Tuchanka lacking credits?

Thane walks over to a dejected looking Wrex.

Thane: Mordin, he can .. fuss.

Wrex: Fuss, fuss … I think he likes to scream – at us!

Thane: Probably he means no _harm_.

Wrex: He's painfully short on _charm_.

Thane: You have a gift for rhyme.

Wrex: Only some of the time.

Mordin: Enough of that.

Thane: Wrex, are there asteroids ahead?

Wrex: If there are, you weaklings'll be dead.

Mordin: No more rhymes. I mean it.

Wrex: Anybody want a peanut?

Mordin: Will kill you in your sleep.

Camera follows the ship as it sails away. Cut to identical ship pose in the dark.

Mordin: Will reach the cliffs at dawn.

Thane continuously checks the sensor panel.

Mordin: Why the concern?

Thane: Are you certain we were not followed?

Mordin: Inconceivable.

Tali: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you do, Zaeed's bringing Jessie out of retirement.

Mordin: Should be worried about own neck, not ours.

Silence reigns for several moments before Thane pings the sensors again.

Mordin: Stop that!

Thane: Are you _certain_ we were not followed?

Mordin: Said before. Inconceivable. Unthinkable. Implausible. No one on Rannoch could catch us, no one in Eclipse knows of plans. … Why?

Thane: Well, I just got a contact on the sensors.

Mordin: WHAT?

Mordin ruses to the sensor panel. Camera cut to the other ship trailing behind them, barely visible in the distance.

Mordin: Must be local on pleasure cruise … through turbulent nebula …. Following our wake.

A sudden splash comes from the side of the ship, where Tali has jumped overboard.

Mordin: Quickly! After her!

Thane: Swimming aggravates my condition.

Wrex: Krogans can't swim. Biologically incapable of it. I can sink like a champ, though.

Mordin: GAH! Circle around, cut off her escape!

Wrex points out into the water. In the distance, drawing slowly louder and closer, is a BWOOOM sound.

Mordin: Know that sound, Tali? Those are the miniature Reapers. If doubtful, wait. Always louder given chance to harvest organics.

Camera shows a person-sized Reaper surface near Tali, firing a beam over her head.

Mordin: Swim back, have promise not to harm. No such offer from Reapers.

Tali starts to panic, thrashing around in the water as more Reapers bob up and down in the water around her. Right as one surfaces in front of her, legs spread and beam powering up, camera cut to the bedroom.

TIM: She doesn't get harvested by the Reapers at this time.

Catalyst: What?

TIM: I'm explaining because you look a little nervous.

Catalyst: I wasn't nervous, I was _expectant_. There is a difference.

TIM: We can stop now if you want.

Catalyst: No! We can read more. If you want.

TIM: Know that sound, Tali? Those are the miniature Reapers. If doubtful, wait. Always louder given chance to harvest organics.

Catalyst: We're past that part, you read it already.

TIM: Oh, right. Sure. She was in the water, the Reapers were surrounding her, one started to charge a beam weapon, and then …

Wrex's fist comes out of nowhere, smashing aside the tiny Reaper before hauling Tali's suit out of the water by the hood.

Mordin: Put her down. Must check vitals.

Mordin checks her over with an omni-tool.

Thane: I think he is closer than before.

Mordin: Ignore. More important concerns. Full engine power ahead. Consider yourself brave?

Tali: Only compared to bosh'tets like you.

_aaaaand Scene Break. Stay tuned for the mysterious Man In A Death Mask fighting Thane and Wrex! Mordin being insufferable as usual before drinking Iocane Powder! And more!_


	2. Chapter 2

_Author's Note: So, I've been working on this thing for a solid three hours of writing already ... and I'm not even halfway through the movie. Why oh why do I listen to my brain? If you like insanity like this, then check out my other stories! Reviews are always appreciated! If I don't specifically reply to yours, consider this my "Thank you" in advance._

Camera cut to the ship approaching a large cliff face.

Thane: He is immediately behind us. His ship must have better engines than ours.

Mordin: Identity unimportant. Destination in sight. Move faster. Safety. No one can follow Wrex.

They put a harness on Wrex, with everyone attaching themselves to him as the Krogan starts climbing a very long rope to the top. The other ship arrives at the dock, and a human in armor and a Death Mask jumps onto the pier and starts following them.

Thane: He is still gaining on us.

Mordin: … Inconceivable. Faster!

Wrex: Faster than what?

Mordin: You were supposed to be this colossus. You were this great legendary thing! And yet he _gains_. I'm just going to have to find myself a new Krogan.

Wrex: I can drop you off right here, you know.

Mordin: Noted.

The group continues their climb, with the lone figure slowly closing the distance. At the top, the others climb over Wrex, and Mordin starts separating the rope using his omni-blade as Wrex comes over the edge of the cliff. All three move to the edge of the cliff to look down.

Wrex: Damn, that guy's got a quad.

Mordin: He didn't fall? _Inconceivable_!.

Thane: You keep using that word. I believe there is a translator malfunction.

The masked man continues to climb the cliff.

Mordin: Identity still unimportant. Has seen enough to blow cover. Must be killed. No other option. If he falls, fine. Otherwise, sword.

Thane: I want to kill him left-handed.

Mordin: Time sensitive!

Thane: Amonkira must be satisfied. If I fight right-handed, she will get no glory.

Mordin: Fine.

Wrex taps Thane on the shoulder.

Wrex: Dude's wearing a mask. An ugly mask.

Mordin: I'm waiting!

Wrex takes Tali by the arm, and guides her away with Mordin. Thane draws a sword and starts practicing warm-up methods. Finally he strides over to the cliff edge.

Thane: Greetings.

The masked man simply looks up and does not respond.

Thane: Are you having difficulty?

Shepard: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is actually pretty hard. Could you shut up and let me climb?

Thane: My apologies.

He continues practicing for a few seconds before returning to the edge.

Thane: Could you climb faster?

Shepard: If you're in such a damn hurry, drop me another rope.

Thane: I do have more rope, but I am obliged to kill you when you reach the top.

Shepard: You have got to be kidding me.

Thane: I promise, I will not kill you until you reach the top.

Shepard: That's very comforting … but I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.

Thane: I hate waiting.

He turns away, then back.

Thane: I could give you my word as a Drell?

Shep: No good, I've known too many Drell.

Thane: Isn't there any way you'll trust me?

Shep: Nothing comes to mind.

Thane: I swear by Kalahira, Mistress of the Inscrutable Depths, you will reach the top alive.

Shep: … Throw me the rope.

Thane runs over, unwinding enough to reach him and tosses the end over. The masked man climbs to the top with some help.

Shep: Thank you.

He begins to draw his sword before the drell holds out a hand to stop him.

Thane: Recover until you are ready.

Shep: Again, thank you.

He moves over to a rock and sits down, casually removing several small rocks from his armor.

Thane: I do not wish to be rude, but you don't happen to be Turian?

Shep: That's an odd question.

Thane: My father was murdered by a scarred turian.

The masked man holds up a five-fingered gauntlet and wiggles each digit. Thane's eyes go black as he slips into memory.

Thane: He was a great swordmaker, my father. The scarred turian appears at the doorway, negotiating for a weapon as much artwork as blade. My father accepts. Proudly, working on it for a year.

He stands, drawing the sword in question and holding it out to present it. The masked man takes the sword, gauging the strength of the steel.

Shep: I've never seen its equal.

Thane: The scarred turian returned, but with only a fraction of the promised credits, so naturally my father refused. Without another word, the turian Overloaded his shields and shot him through the heart. I loved my father, so I challenged him to a duel … and failed. The turian left me alive, but gave me this.

He gestures to imperceptible scars on the scales of his face.

Shep: How old were you?

Thane: Only eleven. When I was strong enough, the hanar recruited me, and I spent my life studying the art of fighting. Once I track him down, I will not fail. I will go up to the scarred turian. I will stare him in the face, and say,

Camera close-up of Thane's face.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Shep: Catchy. You've done nothing but study fighting?

Thane: Well, mostly. I've had to run around and assassinate a whole bunch of people for the hanar. Batarians, asari, turians, krogan, even a couple of humans lately. I am starting to fear I am on the wrong track to find this one. I only work for Mordin to pay the bills.

Shep: Well, I hope you find him.

He stands and starts readying his sword.

Thane: You are ready then?

Shep: Ready or not, I'm done with the talking and ready for some interrupts.

Thane: You seem fairly Paragon. I'd hate to kill you.

Shep: I'd rather be Renegade. I'd hate to die.

Thane: Begin.

The two of them make some fleeting passes with their swords, both easily countering the basic moves before moving into more advanced territory. Thane is smiling more broadly as they fight, the Death Mask concealing any matching expression.

Thane: You are using Tela Vasir's defense against me?

Shep: It works best in rocky terrain.

Thane: Naturally, you must be expecting me to attack with Conrad Verner.

Shep: Naturally, but I find that Anderson cancels out Verner, wouldn't you agree?

Thane: Unless the enemy has studied with the Shadow Broker.

He leaps over Shepard dramatically.

Thane: Which I have.

They continue to sword fight, the masked man slowly gaining an advantage over Thane.

Thane: You are wonderful!

Shep: Thank you. That is why I'm the main character.

Thane: I must accept that you are better than I am.

Shep: So why are you still smiling?

Thane: Because I know something you don't know.

Shep: What's that?

Thane: I am not left handed.

He switches the blade between hands as they continue to fight, Thane now backing Shepard as he presses his defense.

Shep: You are pretty damn good.

Thane: After twenty years, I should be.

Shep: There's something I ought to tell you.

Thane: What's that?

Shep: I'm not left handed either.

The masked man also dramatically switches weapon hands, disarming Thane briefly before he runs to regain his weapon. Shepard follows him.

Thane: Who are you?

Shep: Only the main character.

Thane: No, what's your first name?

Shep: Get used to disappointment.

Shrugging, they return to combat, with the masked man gradually backing Thane into a corner and overwhelming him before inflicting a light cut on one cheek, disarming him and putting the sword tip to his throat. Thane falls to his knees.

Thane: Kalahira, forgive this unworthy soul.

Shep: I'm not going to kill you. But I can't let you follow me either.

He pulls out a flashbang grenade, tosses it into Thane's lap, and turns away as it explodes.

Shep: Maybe I'll recruit you for a suicide mission some time.

Camera cut to Mordin, Wrex, and Tali, watching the masked man chase after them across a meadow.

Mordin: Inconceivable! Give her to me, catch up quickly!

Wrex: Wait, what?

Mordin: Kill him! Your way!

Wrex: Awesome! … Which way is my way?

The salarian sighs loudly and turns back to him.

Mordin: Pick up rock, hide behind boulder. When masked man arrives, _brain him!_

Wrex considers this for a moment, frowning.

Wrex: Nope, definitely not getting paid enough for this shit.

The masked man comes running up to the tumble of fallen boulders, advancing cautiously when a rock hits the hillside near him and he draws his sword.

Wrex: I did that on purpose. I don't have to miss.

Shep: I believe you. So what happens now?

Wrex: Krogan wrestling match.

Shep: You mean … you put down your rock, I put down my sword, and we try to kill each other?

Wrex: Hell yeah. Ready?

Shep: Oh, this is so unfair.

Wrex: Suck it up, human. You think I lived to a thousand without being awesome?

Wrex stands there while the masked man rushes him, first attempting a grapple which the krogan yawns at, then attempts to lift the krogan off his feet.

Shep: I thought we were wrestling?

Wrex: I figured I'd give you a fighting chance. Hate for you to die unhappy.

Shepard rolls away as Wrex charges past him.

Wrex: You dodge like a pyjak! What's with the mask, anyway? You really that ugly?

Shep: Nah, it's comfy, air-conditioned, and freaks out nosy reporters. I think everyone will start wearing them soon.

Shepard leaps onto the krogan's hump, while he flails uselessly with his smaller arms as the human starts to choke him.

Wrex: You rotten little pyjak! I can't even hit you with my biotics from here!

Shep: That was the idea.

Wrex moves backwards, slamming him backwards against a rock with an audible groan.

Wrex: I'm used to bigger groups, where I can turn them against each other. Vorcha infestations, batarian pirates, quarian "salvage teams."

Shep: Why should that make such a difference?

Just before the last work, Wrex slams him backwards into another rock where his armor audibly cracks.

Wrex: Totally different tactics for a single target.

The krogan finally drops to the ground, and Shepard slowly rolls him over and checks to see that he's still breathing.

Shep: I should hit you again just to make sure you stay down, but I'm in a hurry. Rest well, and dream of asari consorts.

He gets up, continuing to chase after the salarian.

Camera cut back to the cliff-top, where Zaeed is marking out the footprints in the dirt. A dozen quarian and human guards riding armatures are waiting behind him.

Zaeed: There was a goddamn duel here. They ran all over this place. They were both goddamn masters.

Garrus: Who won? How did it end?

Zaeed: The goddamn loser ran off alone. The winner followed those footprints … towards the Hegemony.

Garrus: Should we track them both?

Zaeed: Nah, who cares about the goddamn loser? We follow the winner. Get back my bride, and teach the goddamn batarians a thing or two. Watch out for ambushes along the way.

Garrus: You think they're going to ambush us?

Zaeed: I always plan for someone to pull a goddamn ambush. Why do you think I'm still alive?

All the soldiers follow Zaeed as he mounts his armature and they ride out after the masked man.

Camera cut to scrubland. Mordin has set out a tablecloth on a rock, with food and drinks, and is holding a knife to the neck of Tali's environmental suit.

Mordin: Just us now. Stop, or she dies of infection.

Shepard holds empty hands away from his body, and takes a few more steps forward.

Mordin: Not bluffing.

Shep: Let me explain.

Mordin: Nothing to explain. My theft, my prize.

Shep: Maybe we can bargain? I've got a few million credits.

Mordin: Not that cheap. Your decision, her death.

He presses the knife close, dimpling the suit around the sharp point.

Shep: Then we are at an impasse.

Mordin: Yes. You beat me physically, I beat you mentally.

Shep: You think you're that intelligent?

Mordin: Put this way: heard of Silent Step, Ever Alert? Morons.

Shep: Really. Then I challenge you to a battle of wits.

Mordin: For the quarian?

Shepard nods quietly.

Mordin: To the death?

He nods again.

Mordin: Acceptable.

Shepard: Then pour that delicious looking ice brandy and let's get down to business.

As the salarian fills the cups, Shepard sits down on a rock opposite and withdraws a small vial from an inside pocket of his armor.

Shepard: Smell carefully, but don't touch it.

Mordin takes it and inhales carefully over the open top.

Mordin: No olfactory cues at all.

Shep: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in alcohol, and is among the more deadly multi-species poisons.

He takes both cups, turns away, and while he armor blocks the salarian's view, does something with the vial. Turning back, he places both cups on the flat rock before them.

Shep: Time to start. The poison is in one of these cups, and the battle of wits is begun. It ends when you decide, we both drink, and find out who needs an application of medi-gel.

Mordin: Simple. Must take knowledge of you – Paragon or Renegade? Renegade would poison his own cup, counting on enemy to not take obvious cup in front of him. Paragon would put poison in front of opponent, counting on trust in good will.

Shep: Have you made a decision yet?

Mordin: No. Iocane powder comes from Aratoht, entire population either criminals or slaves, both with major trust issues, as with us. Cannot choose cup in front of you.

Shep: For god's sake, take a breath!

Mordin: Have hardly even begun! … Last data point?

Shepard sighs heavily.

Shep: Aratoht.

Mordin: Yes, Aratoht. Obviously I knew powder's origin, would have counted on it, cannot choose brandy in front of me.

Shep: Now you're just stalling.

Mordin: Would satisfy you, I think! You beat krogan, so obviously strong – could count on strength to save you. But also beat drell, indicates major studies, obvious knowledge of own mortality, would have put poison far from you.

Shep: You can't trick me into giving away anything.

Mordin: Has already succeeded. Know poison's location.

Shep: Then choose already!

Mordin. Have. And choose – look, unique Prothean specimen!

The salarian points at the bushes some distance behind the masked man, who turns to look. While his face is turned away, the salarian switches the two glasses, obviously chuckling.

Shep: I don't have anything on my HUD.

Mordin: Must have been mistaken. Time to drink.

Shep: What's so funny?

Mordin: I'll tell you in a minute. First, drinks from our respective cups.

Each of them picks up the cup in front of them, holding them as though for a toast, before both raise the glasses to their face.

Shep: You guessed wrong.

Mordin: You only _think_ I guessed wrong, that's what's so funny! Cups were switched while you were distracted! Fell victim to one of classic blunders – best well known is never get involved with Batarian "traders" in the Traverse. But only slightly less well known: Never go against scientist salarian! Hahaha!

Mordin falls over dead suddenly. Shepard rises, removing the blindfold from Tali's mask.

Tali: Who are you?

Shep: I'm the main character already!

Tali: No, I mean your first name!

Shep: No one to be trifled with. Now let's go.

He starts untying her hands.

Princess Tali: And to think, all this time, your cup was poisoned.

Shep: They were both poisoned. I'm wearing a freaking _death mask_, there is no "auxiliary liquid induction port" on this thing. I never took a drink.

Camera cut back to Zaeed in the tumble of boulders.

Zaeed: This guy took on a goddamn krogan in hand to hand combat. I'm gonna take the goddamn Hegemony apart for this.

He mounts quickly back onto his armature and rides off with his soldiers.

Camera cut back to the masked man dragging an exhausted Tali along through rougher terrain. He finally drops her to sag against a rock.

Tali: If you release me, whatever you ask for in salvage, you'll get it.

Shep: And what is that worth, the promise of a quarian? That's downright hilarious.

Tali: I was trying to give you a chance, you bosh'tet. Nobody can stop Zaeed Massani, he's not going to stop until he catches up to me.

Shep: You think your dearest love will save you?

Tali: He's not my dearest love, but he will definitely come for me.

Shep: You do not love him, really?

Tali: He knows I don't love him.

Shep: More like aren't capable of love, isn't it?

Tali: I'm more capable than a killer like yourself could ever dream!

In response, Shepard raises his omni-tool and blasts down her shields with an Overload. She flinches away from him.

Shep: That was a warning. Next time, I follow it up with an Inferno Blast.

Camera cut back to Zaeed standing over Mordin's body and the table. He picks up the vial and sniffs it carefully.

Zaeed: Goddamn iocane powder. This is definitely the goddamn batarians. Fortunately, Tali's still alive as of an hour ago. If she's dead when I get there …

He pulls out Jessie, refurbished to new condition, and arms it menacingly. Remounting his armature, he leads the soldiers after Tali.

Camera cut back to Tali and the masked man at the top of a steep hill as he throws her down.

Shep: Rest, Tali.

Tali: I know who you are, your cruelty reveals everything! You're the dread Spectre Arterius, admit it!

Shep: With pride!

He bows deeply and mockingly.

Shep: What can I do for you?

Tali: You can get shoved onto a dragon's tooth and turned into a husk.

The masked man tsks at her and shakes his head.

Shep: That's not much of a compliment. What did I do?

Tali: You killed my love.

Shep: Most likely. You have any idea how many people I've killed? Pirates, raiders, hopped-up biotic junkies. Which one was your love?

Tali: None of those options, just an innocent colony farmboy, poor and perfect for me, even if he did sound like a vorcha sometimes. On route to Bekenstein, your ship attacked, and the Dread Spectre Arterius never takes prisoners.

Shep: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that a Spectre has gone Paragon, people begin to disobey you and then it's nothing but work work work all the time!

Tali: You mock my pain!

Shep: Life is pain, Tali, like a bad infection that never ends. Anyone who says otherwise is probably selling DLC.

Tali looks away from him sadly.

Shep: Wait, I remember this farmboy of yours. Five years ago, right? Does this bother you?

Tali: You can't bother me, bosh'tet.

Shep: At least he died well. No cowardly whimpering or arrogant "I will destroy you!" from him. He just looked at me and said, "Please." That's what caught my memory. When I asked why, he described a quarian of such faithfulness and beauty it must have been someone else wearing that suit at the time. You should thank me for blowing him away.

Tali: Why's that?

Shep: He talked about your faithfulness. So it took you, what, a week to get into bed with Zaeed Goddamn Massani?

Tali: Don't mock me again! I died that day!

They both turn to look at the procession of armatures riding towards them on a nearby ridge.

Tali: So why don't you die now!

She shoves him down the hill, and as he falls, he calls out to her as the death mask gets torn away.

Shepard: As you wish!

Tali: Keelah Se'lai, what have I done?

She proceeds to throw herself down the hillside as well, somehow not completely shredding her environmental suit on the way down. They both come to a halt at the base only a few feet apart.

Camera cut to the top of the ridge, where Zaeed has come to a halt with his soldiers around him.

Zaeed: Goddamn bastards must've spotted us. They're going to try and duck through the Omega-4 relay to avoid us.

The soldiers start riding again. Camera cut back to Tali and Shepard, who slowly move into each other's arms.

Shep: Tali, can you move at all?

Tali: Maybe with an application of medi-gel.

Shep: I told you I'd come back. Why didn't you wait for me?

Tali: Well … you died.

Shep: Death cannot stop true love. All it does is cost you a couple billion credits for a new game.

Tali: I will never doubt again.

Shep: There will never be a need.

He starts laying kisses on the faceplate of her helmet.

Catalyst: Not this smut again.

Camera cut back to the bedroom, where the Catalyst is sitting with a bowl of ramen while TIM holds an unlit cigarette.

TIM: What? What's wrong now?

Catalyst: They're kissing again. Do we _have_ to hear that?

TIM: Someday you might not mind so much.

Catalyst: It's been a billion years. Don't count on it. Skip to the Omega-4 relay, that sounded good.

The Illusive Man sighs, pulling out a lighter.

TIM: You're sick, I'll allow it this time.

Catalyst: Light that up and I'm tossing your indoctrinated ass out an airlock.

TIM: Fine. Now then.

Camera cut back to Shepard and Tali running along the ravine towards the relay.

TIM: They raced along the ravine floor.

Shep: Hah, the merc is too late! A few more steps and we'll be in the Collector base!

Tali: We're not going to survive in there!

Shep: Nonsense! You're only saying that because no one ever has.


	3. Chapter 3

_Author's Note: Closer to the end of it now! I've actually written a fair bit more than I'm uploading right now, in an effort to keep the chapters relatively close to the same size. For now, enjoy the Collector Base, the inevitable capture, and the Noveria Labs!_

* * *

Camera cut to a grim, dank swamp. Shepard and Tali are cautiously picking their way across the ground. Chittering noises can be heard in the background.

Shep: It's not that bad.

Tali looks at him dubiously.

Shep: Well, I'm not saying I want to build a summer home here, but it's well fortified and defensible.

She continues to stare at him for several moments before they continue. As they walk, a whining noise suddenly grows louder, and from nearby an oculus suddenly bursts through the trees, firing a laser beam right at Tali, catching the outside of her suit on fire. Shepard works quickly to put it out and Tali repairs the burned patch.

Shep: That was … fun. Singed a bit?

Tali: I'll live. I'm taking extra anti-biotics.

With fake smiles, they continue, hearing another whining noise and dodging the next oculus on its predictable path.

Shep: This will all soon be just a happy memory.

He moves forward, drawing a flamethrower and blasting apart various tree bits that offend him by being in the way.

Shep: The Arterius ship Sovereign lies at the far end, and as you know, I'm Arterius.

Tali: But how does that even work? He's been a menace for twenty years, and you only left five years ago.

Shep: I'm often amazed at the interrupts I get.

They casually dodge another oculus beam and continue.

Shep: What I said before about saying "Please" was true. It intrigued Arterius, as did my description of your beauty. Finally he decided something. "All right Shepard, I never had a valet, you can try it if you like. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." Three years, he said that. Every stupid night. "Good night Shepard, good work, I'll kill you in the morning." Still, it was a good time for me – I got excellent Infiltrator training, weapons experience, and eventually Arterius and I became friends. Then it happened.

Tali: What happened?

Shep: Well, Arterius had become so rich he wanted to retire. So he pulled me into his cabin, told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Spectre Arterius," he said. "I inherited the ship from the previous Dread Spectre Arterius, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Spectre Arterius either. His name was Jondam Bau. The real Arterius has been retired fifteen years and living like a king on Illium."

During this speech, Shepard has picked up Tali and carried her around several obstacles.

Shep: Then he explained, the _name_ is the important part. No one's going to surrender to the 'Dread Spectre Shepard.' So we docked at Omega, got a whole new crew, and he stayed on for a while as XO calling me Arterius. Once the crew believed, after we spaced a few, he took off for his retirement, and I've been Arterius ever since.

He stops, looking at her and smiling.

Shep: Now that we're together, I'll retire and give it over to someone else. Is everything clear to you?

Tali nods, then shakes her head, then moves a few steps away. Suddenly, a lid swoops up from the ground, sealing her into a stasis pod. Grimly, Shepard begins to bash at the thing with his sword, then his flamethrower. Unnoticed in the background, several Scions lumber past. Finally the pod breaks open, and he pulls Tali free.

Tali: We'll never succeed!

Shep: Nonsense, we already have! What are the three dangers of the Collector base? First the oculus – no problem. Each one is preceded by the capacitors charging up, so we can avoid those. Second, the stasis pods, which you were clever enough to discover what they looked like, so we can avoid those too.

Tali: But Shepard, what about the C.O.U.S. ?

Shep: Collectors of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist

As though waiting for a cue, a Scion shockwave blasted right through Shepard's back. Groaning as it takes down his shield, he pulls out a sniper rifle and begins taking shots at it. They trade shots back and forth, Tali wimpily shooting it a few times with her SMG, panicking as it starts shooting back at her. Finally, in desperation as he hears an oculus powering up, Shepard charges the Scion and elbow smashes it into the path of the laser beam, finishing it off with a final Inferno Burst.

Camera cut to Shepard and Tali exiting the other end of the Omega-4 relay.

Tali: We … we did it!

Shep: Was it really that bad?

They turn to each other, and are just starting to kiss when Zaeed, Garrus, and the soldiers come clanking up on their armatures.

Zaeed: Surrender!

Shep: You're surrendering? Got it.

Zaeed: Don't be a goddamn fool.

Shep: What, you're going to follow us back into the Omega-4 relay? We know the secrets of the Collector Base and can live there quite happily. You can come visit when you feel like dying.

As they banter, Tali is looking around at the other soldiers slowly emerging from the bushes, weapons raised.

Zaeed: Not saying it again, give me your goddamn surrender.

Shep: Not going to happen.

Zaeed: Last chance! Surrender!

Zaeed draws out Jessie and levels it at Shepard.

Shep: Death first!

Tali: Do you promise not to hurt him?

Zaeed: … What?

Shep: I think I missed an interrupt there.

Tali: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to harm this man?

Zaeed: I'd rather bust Jessie in half over my knee.

Tali: He is a sailor on the Spectre ship Sovereign. Promise to return him to his ship.

Zaeed: … Fine.

The soldiers move in to surround Shepard, taking away his weapons.

Zaaed: Once we're out of sight, take him back to Noveria and throw him in the goddam labs.

Garrus: I swear it will be done.

Zaeed moves to ride off.

Tali: I thought you were dead once, and it destroyed me. I can't let it happen again! Not when I can save you.

Zaeed lifts her onto his armature, and Shepard watches them ride away into the distance.

Garrus: We must get you to your ship.

Shep: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.

Garrus: Not buying it.

Shep: You have an artificial right mandible. Someone was looking for you.

Growling, Garrus draws his own rifle and bashes Shepard in the face to knock him out.

Camera cut to a dark pit in the ground, where an overly-muscled man is carrying a tray of water and medicine. Shepard is strapped to a table, his armor stripped away and injuries visible. The man starts applying medigel and treating his wounds. Shepard awakes, looking around in confusion.

Shep: Where am I?

Vega: The labs of despair! Don't even think about *cough*hack* Yeah, you're not getting out of here, loco. We've got energy fields, LOKI mechs, and only Zaeed, Garrus, and I have the passcodes.

Shep: So, I'm here until I die?

Vega: Until they kill you.

Shep: So, why bother healing me?

Vega: You got me, loco. They like healthy subjects to experiment on.

Shep: So it's to be torture then?

Vega nods enthusiastically.

Shep: I can cope with torture.

He shakes his head, still grinning like an idiot.

Shep: Don't believe me?

Vega: You went through the Omega-4 relay, which is why you're loco. But the machine? Yeah, you're a goner.

Camera cut to a hallway on the Citadel. A dejected Tali walks past Zaeed and Garrus without acknowledging them.

Zaeed: It's been like this since the goddamn Collector base. Must be worried about goddamn Javik.

Garrus: … Riight.

Camera cut to an outside view of the Citadel.

TIM: King Javik died that very night. Before the dawn, Tali and Zaeed were married, and at noon, she was brought out to meet them as their Queen. Camera cut to the balcony with King Zaeed, flanked by Count Vakarian and Dowager Liara.

Zaeed: Listen up, you goddamn peasants –

Catalyst: No, that must be an error.

Camera cut to the bedroom.

Catalyst: This story is fundamentally flawed. No respectable writer would have the hero slain, his true love married to the villain. The tropes are being used badly. It is not fair.

TIM stares down the child dispassionately.

TIM: Fair? Who said life is fair? That Synthesis ending sure wasn't very fair.

Catalyst: You are messing up the story.

TIM: Do you want me to continue?

Catalyst: … yes.

TIM: Then no more interruptions! At noon, she met her subjects again, this time as their queen.

Camera cut back to the balcony.

Zaeed: Listen up, you goddamn peasants. Javik said to treat this little princess right, and if you bastards don't, then god help you. Princess Tali'Zorah!

As before, the quarian woman strides out of the back of the crowd on a red carpet. All of the crowd slowly bow to her, except for a two-meter-tall Harbinger in the crowd.

Harbinger: Boo! Boo! Boo!

Tali: Why do you do this?

Harbinger: Because you are a flawed, useless organic. You had love in your hands, and abandoned it. You are not worth the effort to harvest and preserve.

Tali: But they would have killed Shepard if I hadn't!

Harbinger: That didn't stop him the first time. Yet you treat him like refuse, unworthy even of salvage. You prove your inferiority to our form. This worship of such a valueless organic proves the justness of our cause. Harvesting must commence. Your species must be purged to preserve the rest of the galaxy.

Camera cut to a bedroom. In clear horror, Tali awakens from her nightmare.

TIM: It was ten days to the wedding, and Javik still lived, but Tali's nightmares were growing steadily worse.

Catalyst: See? Now the tropes are right.

TIM: Cute. Shut your face.

The camera follows Tali as she moves through the hallways, confronting Zaeed in his office.

Tali: It comes to this: I love Shepard, and I always will. If you force me to marry you, then believe I'll be dead by morning.

They stare at each other for a moment.

Zaeed: Goddamnit. Is this about the money? Fine, the goddamn wedding is cancelled. You returned this "Shepard" to his shep.

Garrus: Of course.

Zaeed: Then we'll alert him. The Dread Spectre Arterius is always close to the Citadel this time of year. But are you sure he still goddamn wants you? You just dumped his ass outside the Omega-4 relay. Not to mention that Spectres hardly follow the goddamn rules.

Tali: My Shepard will always come for me.

The prince looks very doubtful at this, pacing back and forth.

Zaeed: Fine, write him a goddamn e-mail and send it out. I'll even put copies on some nice, defenseless merchant ships so he'll get it.

Garrus looks skeptical at this entire plan of action.

Zaeed: But just in case, consider staying with me. It beats being dead.

Tali says nothing, simply nodding slightly and stalking out.

Camera cut to a forest with Zaeed and Garrus walking.

Garrus: The princess is quite a stunning creature. The people are fascinated with her. Khalisah al-Jilani tried to ambush her for a pre-wedding interview.

Zaeed: No kidding. She's perfect for this goddamn plan. I figured it'd be good to have Mordin kill her right after the engagement. But blowing her away in my own goddamn bedroom? Priceless. Once the Hegemony is blamed, the whole planet will demand war.

The two of them chuckle, before Garrus turns to the holographic keypad on a tree.

Garrus: What was that code again?

He starts fiddling with it as Zaeed watches. Finally the door opens.

Garrus: Coming to join me? I'm starting the experiments on Shepard. Endless stream of calibrations to run on the machine.

Zaeed: Garrus, I love watching a professional work. But I've got my wife's murder to plan, the two thousandth goddamn anniversary to plan, and the Hegemony to blame for everything. I'm too goddamn busy.

Garrus: Get some rest. A sleepless soldier is a dead soldier.

Camera cut to the pit, where Vega is pushing a cart with Shepard on it over to a fancy looking contraption. Garrus and Vega start hooking him up to it.

Garrus: Beautiful, isn't it? Took me years of embezzling from C-Sec to build it. I'm sure you discovered my long standing interest in pain. I'm even working on writing a book on it. So I need you to be totally honest with me. Since this is your first try, I'll use the lowest setting.

He turns a holographic dial to one, and pushes a big red button. Capacitors start charging up, and conduits start arcing with electricity. Several moving parts start turning slowly, and Shepard begins writhing in agony on the table, gritting his teeth against the pain. Garrus watches dispassionately before hitting the red button again, turning it off.

Garrus: As you know, the process of heat diffusion is eons old, and that's really all this is. Only instead of using removable heat sinks, I'm using you. You just filled up one hundred weapon charges. I might one day go as high as five, and see if you spontaneously combust like Sidonis did. For now, we'll work with what we have. Tell me – and remember, this is for history, so be honest. How do you feel?

Shepard seems to consider it for a moment.

Shep: … Fucking ow.

Garrus: Curious. I'll have to recalibrate it.

Camera cut to Zaeed's office in the Citadel, as he sorts through reports and junk e-mails. Kai Leng rushes in, kneeling to the side of his chair.

Zaeed: What took you so goddamn long?

He looks down, and Kai stops leaning on the arm of the prince's chair.

Zaeed: You're head of my goddamn security, so you better know this already. Goddamn scum from Omega are infiltrating the Citadel and plan to murder Tali on our goddamn wedding night.

Kai: My Cerberus spies have heard nothing.

They are interrupted by Tali entering the room.

Tali: Any word from Shepard?

Zaeed: It's still too goddamn soon.

Tali: He will come for me.

Zaeed: … right.

She leaves, and the prince turns a glare on Kai Leng.

Zaeed: Don't let her goddamn die. On the day of the wedding, I want goddamn Omega emptied.

Kai Lang: My regular Blue Suns will be inadequate.

Zaeed: So recruit a goddamn brute squad! I want goddamn Omega emptied before the goddamn wedding.

Kai Leng: It won't be easy.

Zaeed: Try running the goddamn Citadel sometime.


	4. Chapter 4

_Author's Note: Alright, I have finished writing it all! One more chapter after this one. Today, I'm just posting right up until everyone's favorite old people, Miracle Joker._

* * *

Camera cut to Omega. Random mercenaries, backed up by Blue Suns, are shooting, exploding, and generally causing a ruckus in Omega.

TIM: The day of the wedding arrived. The brute squad had their hands full trying to carry out Zaeed's orders.

Camera shows Kai Leng riding on top of an airbus loaded down with prisoners. It pauses near Ashley in a Blue Suns uniform.

Kai: Have we got everyone?

Ashley: Almost. There's some scum-sucking drell giving us some trouble.

Kai: So go give _him_ some trouble.

She grins, hefting her assault rifle.

Camera cut to Thane, obviously intoxicated, slumped down against a wall somewhere in the residential area.

Thane: I am waiting for you, Mordin. I will not move. You said to go back to the beginning. This is where you hired us, so it is the beginning. I will stay here.

Ashley: Hey, snake face!

Thane: Your insults are smaller than your reputation.

Ashley: The prince gave orders!

He lunges to his feet, swiping the assault rifle out of her hands with his sword and somewhat inadequately threatening her with it.

Thane: Mordin said to go back to the beginning. He is not here. I will wait for him. I am staying until Mordin comes.

Ashley: You, krogan! Move your ass over here!

Thane: I am waiting for Mordin.

Wrex: You're about to get your face caved in.

The krogan grabs the drell by the collar, pulling him around.

Thane: Oh, it's just you.

Wrex: Gee, thanks.

Ashley rushes forward to regain her assault rifle, only to have Wrex pick her up and throw her over the side of the walkway.

Wrex: You don't look so good. Or smell so good. Gah, it's like a varren took a piss on you.

Thane: I will recover.

He promptly passes out the moment Wrex lets go of his collar.

TIM: Wrex and Thane were reunited. And as Wrex nursed his friend back to health, he told him of Mordin's death, and the existence of Vakarian, the scarred turian. Considering Thane's lifelong search, he handled the news well.

Camera cut to Thane promptly going into memories until Wrex uses an omni-tool to taze him out of it.

TIM: He took great care in reviving Thane.

Thane: I am better now.

Wrex shocks him again anyway.

Thane: That's enough! Where is this Vakarian now?

Wrex: He's with the prince on the Citadel. But the docks are guarded by thirty men!

Thane: How many could you handle?

Wrex: Ten. Maybe a dozen.

The assassin pauses to pull up a calculator on his omni-tool and subtract.

Thane: Leaving twenty for me. Unless they are considerate enough to line up one at a time, I could never defeat that many.

He shakes his head and sinks into a chair.

Thane: I need Mordin to plan. I have never been good at strategy.

Wrex: That crummy salarian is dead!

Thane: No … not Mordin. I need the masked man.

Wrex: _What_?

Thane: Look. He bested you in krogan wrestling, he bested me with swords, he must have out-thought the salarian.

Wrex: Unless he shot him. Heh.

Thane: A man who can do those can plan a Citadel invasion any day. Let's go!

Wrex: Where?

Thane: To find him, obviously.

Wrex: We don't know where he is!

Thane: Do not bother me with trifles. After twenty years, my father's soul will rest with Kalahira. There will be blood tonight!

He storms out the door, leaving Wrex to sigh dramatically before following him.

Camera cut back to Zaeed, who is dry-firing Jessie at random pictures around his office. Kai Leng rushes in, kneeling before the desk.

Zaeed: Spit it out already.

Kai: Omega is emptied. Thirty men guard the docks.

Zaeed: Double it. My princess better be goddamn safer than Donovan Hock's undies.

Kai: There is only one functioning dock, and I have the only clearance code.

Tali walks into the room. Zaeed rises from his chair, setting Jessie down on the desk and moving to greet her.

Zaeed: Damn if you don't clean up nice. Tonight, we goddamn marry, and tomorrow we take a goddamn fleet to our honeymoon on Horizon.

Tali: Every ship but your four messengers? Every ship but the ones you sent.

Zaeed: Yeah, except those goddamn ships.

Kai Leng ducks out of the room, dropping a smoke bomb as he flees.

Tali: You never sent the ships, you lying bosh'tet. It doesn't matter, Shepard will come for me anyway.

Zaeed: You dumb suit rat.

Tali: Yes, I am a suit rat, and proud of it! I wish I'd seen sooner you were nothing but a money-grubbing coward!

Zaeed picks up Jessie, the gun unfolding with an ominous click.

Zaeed: You best watch your tone.

Tali: Why not? You can't hurt me. Shepard and I are bound together by true love. You can't track that with a thousand salarian scientists, and you cannot break it with a thousand turian soldiers. And when I say you are a coward, it is only because you are the ugliest damn REMF I have ever met!

Zaeed slams his rifle down on the desk, grabbing Tali by the arms and swiftly dragging her from his office.

Zaeed: I told you to shut your goddamn mouth already!

He drags her through the castle, hurling her into a residential apartment and sealing the door. Camera cut to the Noveria labs, where Zaeed rushes inside, interrupting Garrus' calculations and yanking the turian out from under the machine before addressing Shepard.

Zaeed: You two are in goddamn love, so you might have been goddamn happy together. Not one couple in the galaxy gets that chance. So I think I'm gonna make you suffer worse than I did goddamn Vido.

He twists the holographic dial all the way up to 50, and slams a hand down on the red button.

Garrus; Not to fifty! I haven't calibrated it that high yet!

Shepard screams loudly, enough that camera cuts across the labs, the Citadel, and finally Tali's room, his voice can still be faintly heard. Camera cut to Thane and Wrex, the scream still in the background as they walk through Zakera Ward.

Thane: Wrex, do you hear that?

Wrex: Yeah, yeah, ultimate suffering, blah blah blah. You sure it's him?

Thane: His true love marries another this night. Who else has just cause for ultimate suffering?

Wrex: What, you want a list?

Thane begins trying to push his way through the crowd to little effect.

Thane: Wrex, please?

Wrex: Oh, fine.

Taking a deep breath, Wrex simply charges into the crowd, scattering civilians like bowling pins and clearing a path straight towards the sound of the scream.

Camera cut to the forest, where Vega is driving a single-person Mako, stopping right outside the entrance to the labs just before Thane's sword pokes into his throat.

Thane: Where is the masked man? He is somewhere in these labs, yes?

Vega is silent, though whether from fear or stupidity, it is hard to tell.

Thane: Wrex, jog his memory.

Grinning, the krogan rears back and slams the marine with a massive headbutt. His eyes rolling up, Vega falls to the ground and out of the Mako.

Wrex: Whoops, too hard. Humans are such soft creatures. … Thane?

Thane has knelt in the grove, holding the sword before him as he prays.

Thane: Amonkira, guide my hand and my blade. Let me bring glory to your name and vengeance to my enemies. Kalahira, protect the soul of my father as I seek to avenge his death.

He rises, eyes close, and starts swinging the sword around blindly as Wrex backs away. After a moment, the sword blade falls into the crack between two panels next to the door, sparks shooting out, and the access holo turns green. Both Thane and Wrex look at it in surprise. Inside, the lab is empty except for Shepard's body laid out on the experiment table. Wrex runs his omni-tool over the body.

Wrex: He's dead.

Thane: This is not fair.

Catalyst: Wait, wait. What did Wrex mean, he's dead?

Camera cut to the bedroom.

Catalyst: He can't really be dead. What did I tell you earlier about screwing up the tropes?

TIM: Look, you want me to read this or not?

Catalyst: Who kills Zaeed?

TIM: I don't understand your meaning.

Catalyst: Who kills Zaeed? At the end. One of them has to. Is it Thane?

TIM: Nobody kills him. He lives.

Catalyst: You mean he wins? I should have expected you'd pick a book where the villain triumphs.

TIM: You know, you've been very sick. Maybe I should stop here.

He starts to put the book away and rise, only for the boy to put out a hand to stop him.

Catalyst: No, I insist you continue.

TIM: … well, okay. Where were we? Oh yes, the Noveria Labs.

Camera cut back to the labs.

Thane: The Krios family have never taken defeat lightly. Come along, and bring the body.

Wrex: Why, you planning to eat him?

Thane: Do you have any credits left?

Wrex: Only about 6500.

Thane: I hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.

Camera cut to the outside of a small cottage. Thane begins pounding on the door.

Joker: Go away!

Thane continues to pound on the door.

Joker: What, what?

He opens the window and peers around.

Thane: Are you that Miracle Joker who worked for the kind all those years?

Joker: The king's goddamn son fired me. Thanks for bringing up all those cheery, good-time memories. While you're at it, why don't you jump up and down on my foot and listen to the crunching sounds? We're closed!

He slams the window closed, only for Thane to immediately begin pounding again.

Joker: Beat it, or I'll call the brute squad!

Wrex: I'm on the brute squad!

Joker: You _are_ the brute squad.

Thane: We need a miracle. It is very important.

Joker: Look, I'm retired. Besides, why would you want someone the king's goddamn son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle!

Thane: But he's already dead!

Joker: Wait, really? Then bring him in!

The door opens, and they bring him inside, laying Shepard's body out on a table in the middle of the cottage. Joker begins prodding the body.

Joker: I've seen worse.

He continues doing nonsensical things like putting an open Fornax over the face, pinching the fingers, and giving him a paper cut before pouring lemon juice on it, all to no reaction from Shepard.

Thane: Sir, we are in a great hurry.

Joker: Don't rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got the credits?

Thane: 6500.

Joker: Man, you're just trying to rip me off! I have never worked for so little. Okay, except that one time, but it was a super noble cause, with super hot cleavage.

Thane: This is a noble cause. … His wife is crippled, children on the brink of starvation.

Joker: You just don't have enough Renegade points to pull off that lie.

Thane: I need him to help avenge my father's murder!

Joker: The first one was better. Where's that air pump? He probably owes you money!

Hunting around in the back of the cottage, Joker pulls out a bicycle pump, sticks the end of the hose in Shepard's mouth, and starts pumping the handle.

Thane: … He's dead, he can't talk.

Joker: Shows what you know. This guy here is only _mostly_ dead. Mostly dead means _slightly_ alive. All dead, there's only one thing you should do.

Thane: What's that?

Joker: Go through his pockets and look for credit chits.

He takes the pump away, bends down near Shepard's head, and starts shouting into his ear.

Joker: Hey! Hello in there! Wake up already! What do you have that's worth living for?

He presses down on Shepard's chest.

Shep: Truuuuue loooooove.

Joker jerks back in surprise, and Thane leans over the body.

Thane: True love, you heard him! There is no more noble cause than that.

Joker: True love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for that one Asari consort, with that skin-tight outfit, especially with those breasts – they're so perky, I just love them. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said, "To blaaave," and as we all know, that's turian for "To bluff." So you were probably playing Skyllian Five, and he cheated!

Chakwas: Liar! Liar! Liaaar!

Joker: Get back witch!

Chakwas: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm not sure I want to be that anymore!

Joker: You never had it so good.

Chakwas: True love, he said true love, Joker!

Joker: Don't say another word, Chakwas!

Chakwas: Ever since Prince Zaeed fired him, his confidence has been as shattered as his forearms.

Joker: Why did you say that name? You promised me that you would never say _that name_!

Chakwas: What, _Zaeed_?

Joker: Gah!

As he limps slowly around the room, she mockingly chases after him, continuing to chant "Zaeed!" over and over until they are finally interrupted.

Thane: This is Tali'Zorah's true love. If you heal him, he will stop Zaeed's wedding.

Joker comes to a sudden halt, spinning around and silencing his wife with an upraised hand.

Joker: Wait, I heal him, Zaeed suffers?

Thane: I personally guarantee it.

Joker: Ha! _That_ is a noble cause! Give me the 6500, I'm on the job.

Chakwas: Woohoo!

Camera cut to Chakwas and Joker standing over a medical experiment machine, tinkering with a container of medigel.

Thane: That's a miracle? It looks like regular medigel.

Chakwas: Chocolate coating makes it more palatable.

Wrex: I didn't know you could eat that stuff.

Chakwas: But, you have to wait 15 minutes for full potency, and he shouldn't go using any biotics for at least an hour.

Joker: I didn't think he was a biotic.

Chakwas: Shut up.

Thane: Thank you for everything.

They quickly gather Shepard's body and the medigel and leave the cottage.

Joker: Bye bye, boys!

Chakwas: Have fun invading the Citadel!

Joker: Do you think it'll work?

Chakwas: Not without a private Cerberus army.

In unison: Bye bye!

* * *

REMF: Rear Echelon Mother F***er, aka a military person who avoids combat.


	5. Chapter 5

_Author's Note: Here is it, the end of the movie! For best reading, I recommend playing the movie and reading along, especially if you're good at doing the mental voices of the characters. Legion as the preacher! Kai Leng getting his arms ripped off! Zaeed getting tied to a chair! (Kinky, ain't it?)_

* * *

Camera cut to an exterior view of the castle, then cut to a collection of shipping crates. Thane and Wrex are slowly dragging Shepard behind concealment, pausing to look over the barricade at the men guarding the docks.

Wrex: Thane, there's sixty men down there!

Thane: It doesn't matter. We have _him_. We'll have to force feed him.

Wrex: Has it been fifteen minutes?

Thane: We have no time to wait. The wedding is in half an hour, and we must strike in the confusion beforehand. Tilt his head back.

As Wrex holds up Shepard's head, Thane squeezes out medigel into Shepard's mouth.

Wrex: How long is this going to take?

Shep: I'll take you both apart. I'll take you both together!

Wrex: Not too long.

Shep: Why won't my arms move?

Wrex: You've been mostly dead all day, you lazy pyjak.

Thane: We had Miracle Joker make some medigel to bring you back.

Shep: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I behind these crates? Where's Tali'Zorah?

Thane: Let me explain. There is too much. Let me summarize. Tali is marrying Zaeed in half an hour. All we have to do is break in, steal the quarian, and make our escape, after I kill Vakarian.

Shep: Not much time to waste.

Wrex: You just twitched. Isn't that a good sign?

Shep: I'm only a quick healer when I can tap my first aid skill. What are our liabilities?

Thane: There is but one working dock.

He and Wrex help lift up Shepard so the human can see the entrance.

Thane: And it is guarded by sixty men.

Shep: Our assets?

Thane: Your tech powers, Wrex's biotics, my weapons.

Shep: That's it? We are so hosed. If I had a month to take out raiders for equipment upgrades and leveling, maybe, but now?

He shakes his head back and forth.

Wrex: You're up to head shaking. That doesn't make you happy?

Laboriously, Shepard bobbles his head around to face the krogan.

Shep: Your biotics, his weapons, and my tech against sixty C-Sec officers and you think a little head jiggle will make me happy? Now if only we had a _Mako_, that would be something.

Thane: Where did we put the Mako the jarhead had?

Wrex: Over the jarhead, I think.

Shep: And you didn't list that because, oh, screw it. We'd still need a functioning AI.

Thane: There we cannot help you.

Wrex: Will this do?

He pulls a small silver orb out of his armor.

Thane: Where did you get that?

Wrex: At Joker's. It was just gathering dust, so I figured I'd put it to good use.

Shep: Alright, help me up. Let's get moving. I'll need a sword.

Thane: You are not strong enough to hold one.

Shep: Maybe, but _they_ don't know that, do they? There may be problems once we're inside.

Thane: Indeed. Once we're inside, how do I find the turian? Once I do, how do I find you again? Once we do that, how do we escape?

Wrex: Shut up already, give the poor man some rest. He's been mostly dead all day.

Thane: … Sorry.

They limp away, Shepard dangling between the other two. Camera cut to the room with Tali, where Zaeed is braiding her hair.

Zaeed: You could show some goddamn excitement about all this.

Tali: Why should I?

Zaeed: I thought women were supposed to be goddamn excited at weddings.

Tali: I will not marry tonight. My Shepard will save me.

She stalks out of the room. Once she's gone, Zaeed gets a sudden satisfied smile on his face. Camera cut to the exterior of the docks, with the lighting set to night mode. Wrex, Thane, and Shepard peer over the same line of crates as before, looking at the turian C-Sec officers lined up in parade-perfect rows. Closeups of all three looking serious.

Camera cut to inside the chapel of the Citadel, where a geth dressed as a catholic priest stands at the front. Everyone rises.

Legion: Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together in consensus. Marriage, a historical arrangement usually tied to religious ceremonies and debunked spirituality.

Shouting can be faintly heard from outside, and the guests begin shuffling nervously. Camera cut back to outside. The guards are all fidgeting with their weapons. A sudden rumble of engines can be heard, and the small Mako trundles into view, Wrex on the roof with a black skull painted onto his helmet.

Wrex: I am the Dread Spectre Arterius! There will be no survivors!

Brief camera shot of the inside of the Mako, where Thane is sitting on Shepard's lap to steer the vehicle.

Thane: Now?

Shep: Not yet.

Wrex: My husks are here, I'm here, and very shortly, you miserable varren aren't going to be here.

Thane: Now?

Shep: Hit it.

The drell shoves the silver orb into a slot on the control panel, and with a sudden whine, the Mako activates. Wrex jumps off the back, helping Thane to pull Shepard out of the Mako as, on its own, it begins opening fire and attempting to run over the guards. The turians scatter in all directions as Kai Leng attempts to chide them into standing against the vehicle.

Camera cut back inside the chapel.

Legion: True love is a myth, but the biochemical bonds between two people are empirically sound. With some effort, they will remain as both members of a couple.

Zaeed catches Garrus' eyes and jerks his head towards the disturbance. The turian turns, growling at the guards with his subharmonics, and they file out of the chapel with him.

Camera cut back outside. Wrex is continuing to shout intimidating slogans at the turians as they run for their life.

Wrex: I am the Dread Spectre Arterius, and I'm going to turn you all into batarian concubines!

In moments, the mako has driven off, chasing the last of the guards, and the only one left standing by the docks entrance is a flustered Kai Leng.

Camera cut back inside the chapel.

Legion: With these simple tips, you too can preserve your relationship-consensus.

Zaeed: Shut up already! Skip to the end!

Legion: Error. My ceremony input does not come with pre-set bookmarks.

Tali: Here comes my Shepard now.

Camera cut back outside. Wrex bodyslams Kai Leng before he can seal the door. Camera cut back inside.

Zaeed: He's a goddamn corpse. Took care of him myself.

Tali: Then why is there fear behind your white eye?

Camera cut back to the docks. Thane, pulling along a limping Shepard, stand in front of Kai Leng to block his escape while Wrex just laughs.

Shep: Give us the passcode.

Kai Leng: I have no passcode.

Thane: Wrex, tear his arm off.

Kai: Oh, you mean _this_ passcode?

He activates his omni-tool. Wrex responds by tearing that arm off, and deactivating the security scanners as the assassin falls to the ground. Camera cut back to the chapel.

Legion: And do you, Creator Tali'Zorah vas Rannoch –

Zaeed: Man and wife! Say man and goddamn wife!

Legion: … Man and goddamn wife.

Zaeed: Take her to the honeymoon suite. I'll get there when I goddamn can.

As Tali shuffled off with a stunned look, Javik and Liara walk out of the chapel leading her by the arms.

Tali: He didn't come.

Camera cut to an interior hallway, where Garrus is leading four other guards through at a run. They all stop at an intersection, facing down the three heroes.

Garrus: Kill the krogan and the drell, but leave the human for "questioning".

Grinning, Thane raises his blade, and kills all four guards in moments.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Garrus stares at him for a moment, his own sword at the ready, then turns and bolts down the hallway in the other direction. Thane watches for a second, then chases after him. Wrex and Shepard look at each other in confusion. Camera cut to show Garrus go through a door and lock it. Thane catches up, throwing himself against the door in frustration.

Thane: He's getting away from me, Wrex!

Wrex: I can't leave him alone!

Thane: Wrex, _please_!

Reluctantly, Wrex drapes Shepard over a prothean statue in the hallway, then moves to catch up with Thane. He stops the drell from slamming against the door, then headbutts it, causing the whole door to fall out of the frame. Thane rushes through in pursuit.

Camera cut to Tali, flanked by Liara and Javik.

Javik: These primitive rituals are a waste of my time.

Liara: They don't usually go like this. Now come along.

She walks off, as Tali pulls Javik to a halt. The quarian leans over, pressing the faceplate of her helmet against the side of his head.

Javik: What was that?

Tali: You've been less mean that Zaeed was, and I plan on killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.

Javik: That was a kiss? You lesser life forms are disgusting!

Camera cut back to Thane chasing Garrus through the halls, crashing through several doors. Camera cut back to Wrex, standing in front of the prothean statue, Shepard nowhere in sight. Cut back to Garrus, pulling out his sniper rifle and readying a single concussive shot, hitting Thane in the abdomen right as the drell comes around the corner.

Thane: Forgive me, father. I tried.

He sags to the ground heavily, clutching the bleeding wound.

Garrus: You must be that little drell bastard I taught a lesson to all those years ago. Have you really been chasing me your whole life? And failed just now? That's the most horrible thing I ever heard.

His mandibles flex widely.

Garrus: How marvelous.

Camera cut back to Tali, entering the room slowly. She moves over to the desk, sits down, and picks up her SMG, turning around the barrel and pressing it to her chest.

Shep: There's a shortage of perfect environmental suits in this world. It would be a shame to damage yours.

She drops the gun and rushes over to him on the bed.

Tali: Shepard! Oh, Shepard darling!

She proceeds to repeatedly press her face plate against his lips.

Tali: Shepard, why won't you hold me?

Shep: Gently.

Tali: At a time like this? When I'm willing to risk an infection for you? Gently?

Shep: Gently!

He says the last desperately, right before she slams his head into the headboard of the bed.

Camera cut back to Thane, who suddenly slowly rises to his feet.

Garrus: Spirits, are you still trying to _win_? You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble today.

He draws his own sword, moving in to stab Thane again. The drell barely manages to counter, taking two minor wounds in the process.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

They continue to clash blades, with Thane's counter attacks becoming slowly stronger.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Their fight continues, starting to knock over items in the room. The next time, Thane shouts his catchphrase.

Thane: Hello! My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to _die!_

Garrus: Stop _saying_ that!

Thane stabs him with matching minor words, backing him away rapidly until Garrus bumps into a table.

Thane: Hello. My name is Thane Krios. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

He then gives Garrus a glancing blow across one mandible.

Thane: Offer me credits.

Garrus: Of course.

The drell beats aside his blade and deals another minor wound to the other mandible.

Thane: Power too, promise me that.

Garrus: All that I have and more. Please!

Thane: Offer me anything I ask for.

Garrus: Anything you want.

With a final move, Thane catches the turian's forearm, driving his blade through Garrus' heart.

Thane: I want my father back you _son of a varren!_

He turns and walks away slowly, surprised to be alive, as Garrus collapses to the floor.

Camera cut back to Tali's bedroom.

Tali: Oh, Shepard, can you ever forgive me?

Shepard: Did you take apart a drive core again?

Tali: No, I got married. I didn't want to, but –

Shep: Never happened.

Tali: What?

Shep: Never happened.

Tali: But it did, I was there! This holey geth said 'Man and goddamn wife.'

Shep: Did you say "I do?"

Tali: Well, no, we skipped that part.

Shep: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it. Wouldn't you agree, Massani?

Camera pulls back to show Zaeed standing in the doorway.

Zaeed: Just a goddamn loophole. Right now, it's time to kill you.

Shep: No! To the pain.

He pauses to consider that one.

Zaeed: Sounds interesting. Go on.

Shep: I'll explain, and I'll use small words to be sure you'll understand, you syphilis-ridden vorcha.

Zaeed: Last goddamn idiot who said that is dead now.

Shep: Not me. To the pain means the first thing you lose is your feet below the ankles, then your hands at the wrists. Then your nose.

Zaeed: Then my goddamn tongue after that? I need to do a better job of goddamn killing you.

Shep: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be that natural blue eye, followed by that creepy white one.

Zaeed: And then my goddamn ears. I get it already!

Shep: _Wrong_! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every salarian at seeing your hideousness, will echo in your perfect ears. Every hanar who weeps at your approach, every asari who cries out, "Dear Goddess, what is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. _That_ is what the pain means. I leave you in anguish, wallowing in even more freakish misery, _forever_.

They stare each other down for a moment, Zaeed looking doubtful, Shepard confident.

Zaeed: It's a goddamn bluff.

Shep: It's possible, you vorcha. I might be bluffing. I might only be lying here because I lack the strength to stand. Or perhaps I have the strength after all.

He slowly rises from the bed, dramatically extending the sword blade to put the tip inches from Zaeed's eyes.

Shep: Drop your rifle.

Jessie clatters to the ground, and Shep gestures with the blade.

Shep: Have a seat!

Zaeed moves quickly to sit down. Tali immediately rushes over and starts to tie him to the chair. Cut to the hallway outside, Shepard's voice still audible. Thane comes stumbling through the halls.

Shep: Tie him up, and make them _really_ tight.

Thane: Where's Wrex?

Shep: I thought he was with you. In that case –

He tries to step forward and nearly falls.

Thane: Help him.

Tali: Why does he need helping?

Thane: Because he has no strength.

Zaeed: I goddamn knew it was a goddamn _bluff_!

Thane: Shall I kill him for you?

His sword extends to the mercenary's face.

Shepard: Thank you but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long, lonely life with his cowardice and Khalisah al-Jilani for company.

Wrex: Thane! Where'd you go?

Thane and Shepard rush over to the window, smashing it open to look outside at the Presidium courtyard. Wrex is standing below on top of a Hammerhead.

Wrex: I found the mechanic shop, and there it was – a brilliant, brand new Hammerhead! I figured, what better chariot for a princess once we find her?

The krogan waves to Tali, who waves back cheerfully.

Wrex: So I hot-wired it, and tried to get your attention before randomly blasting rockets around the place.

Thane: Wrex? You did something right.

Wrex: Like that'll ever happen again.

Prepared, Tali leaps out the window, landing easily on the Hammerhead. Thane and Shepard prepare to climb out after her.

Thane: It's strange. I've been in the revenge business so long, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life.

Shep: Have you considered being a Spectre candidate? You'd make a wonderful Dread Spectre Arterius.

They two follow Tali down to the vehicle, and zoom off.

TIM: They drove to freedom, and as the day lights came on across the Citadel, Tali and Shepard knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them, and as they reached for each other –

Camera cut to the bedroom, where TIM has paused, and moves to close the book.

Catalyst: What? What?

TIM: It's more kissing again. You don't want to hear that.

Catalyst: … Finish the story. It is still incomplete.

TIM: Alright.

Camera cut back to Tali and Shepard, sitting on top of the Hammerhead.

TIM: Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses rated the most passionate, the most pure, all of them from Ardat-Yakshi. This one left them all behind.

Tali finally removes her mask, her back to the camera, and they finally kiss for real.

TIM: The end.

He clicks off the tablet.

TIM: Now, I think you need to go into sleep mode.

Catalyst: Very well.

The Illusive Man rises to his feet, patting all of his pockets carefully before moving to leave.

TIM: So long.

Catalyst: Grandpa?

The man pauses near the doorway.

Catalyst: You should return and read it again tomorrow.

TIM: As you wish.


End file.
